The Art of Being "Too Much"

Today’s blog is a big middle finger for the basic world and the people that try to keep you in it. 

I have been told for much of my life that I am “too much” of something. 
Too emotional

Too feely

Too friendly 

Too passionate 

Too feisty 

Too much of a free spirit

Too anxious

Too deep of a thinker 

Too angry

Too blah blah blah blah blah. 

And my people-pleaser-self has always believed them.

I thought if I could be different than maybe they would love me more. 

I felt like if I forced myself into their box, their achingly small box, then I would be worth it.

I wondered if I could shape shift into becoming all they wanted me to be and if that shape could stay.

That maybe if I could erase these parts of myself to become more stable, more consistent, more normal than I would be enough. 

And trust me when I say all I ever wanted was to be enough. 

Logically, I know when Christ breathed life into me that I was enough. Heck - go look at my old blog posts and read about how enough I think you are. But too often, my logic and my heart don’t match up.

It makes me sad now thinking about it and how I still feel like I have to perform and strive and change to be a formidable opponent in their eyes. And how exhausted I am and how I don’t know who I am without people pleasing and shifting. It’s so natural for me to turn into someone I hope you like...

When did loving myself become confused with losing myself? 

I let people transform my superpower into my kryptonite. I allowed them to take my favorite thing about myself, that I am a deeply feeling person, and turn it into the thing I despised the most. 

I experience oceans of joy and valleys of sorrow. 

I love wholeheartedly and too willingly. 

I feel everything in my bones and can’t help but respond. 

I think and think and think until there is calm and solution.

I am learning that there is nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with me. I was created to feel and though it looks different than how they might want it does not make it wrong. 

We live in a world that begs you to put filters on your face to pretty yourself up. We live in a world that wants you to compete with your friends via tiny square boxes. We live in the world with a single definition of success and normal. We live in a world that doesn’t want you to feel, because feelings create movement and movement creates change and change scares people. And I don’t want to keep giving myself up to that world and those people. 

I am not naive. I am not saying to live in your bad habits or walk in your unhealed trauma. I am so grateful for therapy and a safe place to unpack. I know that the bible says emotions can be deceiving, so please make sure you are reading my heart. 

I am saying that people will tell you that you are too much of something or maybe not enough of another thing and before you allow those words to seep into your skin, ask yourself who you are and what you want to be. Put down your desperate need to feel seen and understood by people who are wearing blinders. Look within and above - you were created with intention by the ultimate craftsman and you are allowed to be - you.  

I am learning that if I am too much in their eyes, then I am just enough in mine. 

So here is too less of losing ourselves and more of loving ourselves.

Less people pleasing and more Kingdom becoming. 

Less kryptonite and more superpower. 

Less performing and more purpose. 

Less pain and more acceptance. 

Less listening and more trusting.

Less doubting and more believing that you are enough. 

I am learning this art. The art of being “too much” in this basic world. 

And just a reminder your “too much” is welcomed here. You are allowed to take up space with all of your “too muchness.” You are safe in this place and you do not need to hide the parts of you that others don’t understand. 

xo,

your “too much” friend